I’m sitting on the couch watching the live feed of the Freeskiing World Tour Finals in Kirkwood. I am not there, but I still feel the excitement in the air and the butterflies in my stomach. I know how each competitor is feeling. I still have the desire to lay down a winning run. I’m in my slippers and ready to drop in. As I watch the women battle it out, I check the TGR forums to see what everyone is saying. There is banter about judging and who’s the sickest skier and how the judges went wrong. Now I have two computers set up because the live feed is having some issues. The women’s results are in, Angel Collinson dominating once again. Nice!
The men have started. I don’t really pay attention until Drew Tabke drops in. I make a sandwich, check TGR, and might as well see what’s on Facebook. Uh oh, the chic’s are pissed about the judging.
Drew drops in. I want Drew to win. He’s a friend. He’s having one as Drew usually does. Skiing a line that no one would ever think of. In true Drew fashion the line is creative and a few back flips in there to show personality. It’s not his best run, but the judges give it to him for creativity. It’s not the gnarliest line and it’s not perfect, but it’s fun and it makes me smile because I know Drew had a nice time.
No time for snacks. It’s on. Parker drops in, sending until his last drop to splat. Next up Garbs. I have to love Grabs, not only did I experience the red light district in Geneva with him, but he is one of the most powerful skiers I have ever had the pleasure to ski with. Eric and I have a saying, “Put your Grandpa boots on.” Grandpa boots are for stomping big drops! There’s a little dance that goes with it. Needless to say, Garbs always has his Grandpa boots on.
The men are skiing with skill and execution. It is exciting to watch. No time for snacks or the bathroom. History is happening. Guerlain, out of retirement, doing it because he loves it, ripping into third place. The winner, Diaek skis easily into first place. It’s his home mountain. He knows he doesn’t have to do anything flashy because he owns the place.
Contest is over, Angel and Diaek win. Better check the TGR forum to hear the banter. “So and so should’ve won. That dude ripped it.” It’s always good to hear from the forum. Still in my slippers, experiencing the competition from my couch, I sift through photos from day one. What? My friend is in the hospital. Check Facebook. No news, only chics pissed off about judging. Back to TGR. The news is bad. Ryan is in an induced coma, hoping for the best.
Facebook: “Hello all friends and well-wishers. An ever expanding group of us if hanging out in Reno with Ryan after his accident in the Kirkwood FWT competition. We are going to do our best to keep updates coming on Ryan’s condition, it is a bit scary right now so be prepared. Currently Ryan is in the ICU at Renown Health Center. Medical staff h…”
Go for a walk. Process. Look at photos of Ryan’s run again. Convince myself that he’s going to be fine. Go to bed.
Up at 7am. Check Facebook:
“To all of Ryan’s friends: I just heard from my brother who grew up skiing with him in Vermont, still is a close friend, that he passed away last night, lost too much blood. I’ve known Hawks since he was 13 or 14 years old, he was a skier that so full of life, in every aspect. I’ll miss him, such a good person.”
Can’t be true. Make coffee……………
Check Facebook again: Samantha Hawks Stetson
“Here is one of my favorite photos of Ryan and his dad. Ryan, I will always love you. You will be deeply missed, but you have taught me so much about how to live life. Your zest for life and love of friends & family will be sorely missed. You will be in my heart forever”
Look at the Tetons. Wonder. Question. What do I feel? Nothing. I only see a memory, a smile, a shining spirit. I should cry, but I don’t. Instead I picture the inspiring smile. He can’t be gone. He’s’s not gone. He is smiling in my mind forever. I will never forget his smile.
I regret what I did next. Yes, this is a confession. A confession that I have felt guilt about all day long and still struggle with, hence this blog post. Next I wrote a email. I wrote an email to riders board. I would like to think that I wrote the letter in response to the discontent of the competitors, judging is never fair. In hind sight, I wrote the email because my friend had passed away. What are we doing wrong? Young, incredible people are dying.
I asked the Freeskiing World Tour board members, my friends, what we can do to create a better system. To be more honest, I asked if the judging was the problem. I thought I was being diplomatic, but I wasn’t. I was sitting on my couch, in my slippers, an outsider judging. A judge questioning the judging.
It’s Powder week in Jackson. I’m an athlete and all my reps are here. I guess I should be there. Go skiing. Smile. Life’s all good.
“Heard your friend died.” Smile. “Losing respect for those comps.” Smile. “Isn’t that the third person who has died.” Tears. Smile. Ski. Look at the sun. Feel my skis on the snow. Tears. No. Smile.
And here I sit, wondering what it all means. Check Facebook. “RIP Ryan, we all love you.”
I love skiing! I really love competing. Would I die for it? No. If someone asked me, “Would you like to die for this run?” I would kindly decline. Am ok with it being a possibility? Yes. I will do everything to prevent it, but I will never prevent myself from living because I fear death.